“The Word Became Flesh.”

Now the Word became flesh and took up residence among us. We saw his glory – the glory of the one and only, full of grace and truth, who came from the Father.

John 1:14

Many religions believe in some sort of revelation—a certain kind of message directly from God made known to humankind. This was always very difficult for me to believe as I did not see or feel God until a moment 13 years ago. Because of this moment I began to believe in revelation and joined many others in believing that the revelation and message, or “the Word,” was a person: Jesus of Nazareth.

I remember the feelings when I first met Jesus. All I can say is that he was so kind. The kindest person I’ve ever met. And I certainly met him.

When I met him I was melancholic and definitely a little empty. It was like an estrangement from myself and the world; like I could see the world but was trapped in a glass box. I felt guilty and just a general dirtiness because I knew I had done at least some things wrong, and I didn’t know how I could ever be made right if God was real because he would have to judge me. I had read a lot of the Bible and knew that forgiveness required a cost.

I also had never felt like I really belonged. Maybe if you asked me I would’ve said, “Yeah, I belong,” because I had a strong family and friends, but only after I got to know God did I realize I never really felt like I belonged. My family moved to the Philippines when I was 6. At 10 we moved back to the States until I moved back to the Philippines again at 12. I didn’t leave again until moving to the States for college at 18.

I wouldn’t trade my childhood for anything, but the moving and constant change really affected my perception of the world. I always took a while to really fit in wherever I was because, unbeknownst to me, cultures have very different expectations and roles that people have to play. Belonging always felt like a puzzle I couldn’t quite solve. I faced intense bullying in 4th and 5th grade and would often skip school by pretending to be sick or go cry in the bathroom alone. My parents definitely helped me through it, but leaving any of the friends I made because of a move or going back and forth between multiple cultures didn’t help contribute to any sense of “belonging.”

All I can say is that when I really met Jesus at a retreat at 14, it was like I had found myself. I came to this realization after a short message from a preacher, one very similar to what I had heard in the past: “because if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead you shall be saved.” I had heard this idea multiple times, but I never really understood what it meant at a deep level. I told myself, “well just because you believe something doesn’t make it true.” But I think I was wrong. I had heard a story once about a follower of Jesus named Peter. He was preaching to 3,000 people when everyone listening to him was suddenly “cut to the heart.” This is what I felt when the preacher spoke that night. I knew that I was a “good person,” but what I had just heard made me feel terrible. I don’t think I had ever faced the honest truth that I wasn’t. And that’s probably because I was afraid I would fall into despair (and that’s what happened).

That night I chose to respond, which I had done before (or attempted to do?), but this was different. As I did I felt what I could only describe as love flood my heart. And it came in waves. Wave, after wave, after wave, of love. It’s like for the first time I knew who I was and things made sense, and I mean it felt like everything made sense, and I don’t know why. It just did. And the despair had disappeared.

I would describe it like I was looking for something I didn’t really know I was looking for. I mean I was definitely looking for “something,” like any seeker of truth would be, but I certainly wasn’t aware of how that longing could be fulfilled and how deep it was. It felt like I belonged for the first time in my life.

It was like meeting a real person, kind of like the warm embrace of a loving father. And it definitely “felt” like that (but by using felt I don’t mean to suggest it was just a feeling). It was much deeper than that. It was a deep existential satisfaction. I had known that people had different experiences with God, but I had no idea what it would be like to experience it for myself, and I had never felt anything close to the peace I had experienced that night before. I had gained a deep “knowing.” And I know that’s because I had become fully known, and loved—and Jesus Christ was now a part of me— “for you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything.”

Tim Keller

It was an encounter so real that it was to the point where if I was to doubt that experience it would be like doubting reality itself. I would describe it as having more confidence and assurance in my own forgiveness than in the trust I place in a chair supporting my weight. How I was so sure, I could not say. I challenged the experience over and over again in my head, and I could not think of any natural explanation. Then I found what had happened: “The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.” True belonging.

After I had read this, I began to see that something had spoken to the deepest part of me, even though at the time I had been spoken to I didn’t even know that part of me was real but “deep calls to deep” as “he has… set eternity in the human heart.”

Since then I have faced numerous doubts both personally and intellectually, but I have a certain confidence in the bodily resurrection of Jesus. There are numerous historical reasons for believing this claim, but mine is deeply personal—as “the Word became flesh” to me. That’s why I agree with another witness of Jesus that the good news of his resurrection and God’s kingdom is “not a matter of talk but of power.”